Liquor Store Baby: Bagels?

Danny Cho, June 20, 2016, 6 p.m.


Since my neighborhood was not known for its educational excellence, my parents enrolled me in South Pasadena High School. The education level in East LA was terrible. We learned fractions in the 8th grade. If you are wondering why this is a bad thing then you should go shoot yourself in the face with a bazooka. Fractions is a concept that should be taught and digested pre-middle school. You can imagine when algebra came into the mix. I don’t claim to be good at math but algebra is not a hard subject. Oh wow, letters in equations. OMG this is so hard!

Lots of comics have talked about how ADD and other learning disorders are bullshit and I completely agree. Learning disorders weren’t around when my parents were students. The dumb kids just ended up getting weeded out. Some people are just not cut out for college and higher learning.

Anyways, South Pasadena was a very different place from East LA. There were Asians and White people. Before setting foot in South Pasadena, I did not see a white person in real life. I just saw them in movies or the news. You can imagine what a shock it was for me when I got to South Pasadena High School. I didn’t know a single soul in the school. Well my cousin Esther and Joe went there but we rarely saw each other on campus. I was just a lowly freshman. Thanks guys for taking care of me. Jerks! There were a lot of Asians there but I really didn’t get along with them at first. I may be Asian by appearance but I was more Mexican than anything. Damn I remember the first couple of weeks sucked ass.

Well the first day of school, the student council decided to hand out bagels to the freshmen. It was a gesture to welcome them to secondary schooling. How nice of them! The problem was, I had no idea what a bagel was. Bagels are not prevalent in the East LA or Korean Cuisine. So the girl that came to give me the bagel was the hottest asian girl I have seen in my life. Her name was Rita.  She was like here is a bagel. I thought a bagel was just what white people call a donut. So when I took a bite into the Bagel, it was stale and not glazed. It's bread with a hole in it. I was so pissed off. I yelled," why would you give me a stale ass donut?!" Hot Asian girl looked at me confused. She replied,” Uhm, its not a donut. It’s a bagel. You should try it with cream cheese.” I realized that I must have looked like an ignorant asshole. I couldn’t even look cool in this situation. Sheepishly, I said thanks and walked away.

That night, I went on the internet and researched what bagels were.  And then I went to the nearest supermarket and bought all kinds of bagels. Water bagels, French onion bagels, Raisin bagels. You name em, I bought them all. After pretty much giving myself carb poisoning, I realized that bagels are terrible. They are hard as shit to cut properly. It’s just expensive bread! On top of that, the hottest asian girl that I have ever laid eyes on thinks I’m a dumbass. Rita, if you ever read this, I know what bagels are now. 

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